Couples who attend therapy have often been together for a long time, ranging from a few years to several decades. One common source of arguments arises from misunderstandings based on assumptions made about our partners.
Couples may believe statements like, "I know them like the back of my hand" or "They should know me by now," assuming they have complete knowledge of their partner's thoughts, feelings, and behaviours in all situations.
While this might be true to some extent, it's essential to recognize that this information can become outdated or inaccurate over time.
To truly understand our partners, we need to pause and update our knowledge about them in the present moment.
A real world example
A recent example of this occurred during a counselling session with a couple who mentioned that they had never gone on a holiday together.
Upon further discussion, the husband revealed that when they first got together in their mid-20s, he wanted to travel around Asia, while his partner had no interest in that. She expressed a preference for caravanning and exploring Australia, which he had no interest in.
This clash of desires led to a significant conflict, and they never revisited the topic again. However, in the session, the wife expressed that this was no longer the case, stating that she now had an interest in traveling to Asia. Similarly, the husband had developed an interest in caravanning since he retired.
When had this changed for them, and what holidays in the meantime might they have both enjoyed had they been able to have a conversation about it?
This example illustrated how unresolved conflict prevented them from updating their information about each other's desires, resulting in missed opportunities for enjoyable experiences. Had they communicated openly, they could have discovered their shared interests much earlier.
A simple fix
In couple counselling, I often introduce "getting to know you" type questions early on to help partners truly understand each other.
These questions rarely lead to conflict and provide a safe exercise for couples to spend time with one another, ask questions, and update their knowledge about each other.
Building trust is an important aspect of any relationship, and knowing your partner's interests, likes, dislikes, worries, and aspirations fosters a sense of safety and security.
To know your partner deeply and have them know you in return creates a comforting and secure bond. Some examples you could start with may be;
· Who would you say your closest friend is now and why?
· Who was a role model for you growing up, and what did they teach you?
Engaging in these conversations can deepen your connection.
Spending time together on a retreat provides an excellent opportunity to understand your partner on a deeper level than ever before. Couples have provided positive feedback, expressing how the retreat helped them better understand themselves and their partners. As a bonus, we offer couples a deck of cards with different question types to continue fostering curiosity and genuine interest in each other.
If you're ready to embark on this journey of deeper understanding with your partner, start by asking these types of questions. Many resources are available online, or you can join our retreat for an assessment and secure your spot for the upcoming Retreat.
Remember, updating your knowledge about your partner can lead to a more enjoyable and fulfilling relationship. Take the time to listen, learn, and grow together!